Fun With Guns: Grandpas Are Fun Edition

September 16, 2014

Michigan.

A fifth-grade student at Kingsley Middle School, southeast of Interlochen, was found inside the building Monday with a loaded .25 caliber pistol secured around his waist, police say.

Authorities say the student told those questioning him that he took the gun from his grandfather’s house on Friday and then brought it to school. He offered “a couple” reasons for doing so and sheriff’s authorities say they are following up on those explanations.

I think the main reason he brought it to school is because Grandpa didn’t secure his firearms.

Thanks to Carl for the heads up.

Bacon! Freedom! Same Deal.

September 16, 2014

Bryan Fischer, bless his heart, is so ignorant that we should probably water him once a month.

“You want one single item of proof that America is a Christian nation and not a Jewish nation and not an Islamic nation?” he asked. “One single bit of proof is all you need: we freely allow restaurants and grocery stores to sell and to serve bacon. That can only happen in a Christian country.”

You don’t believe that he really said that, do you?  Watch and learn.

Thanks to Brian for the head up.

The Tragedy That Is Texas Education

September 16, 2014

Store owners in Houston wanted people to know that their stores were open during road work along the access road.  They asked for signs.

You only had one thing to do ….

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Hell, everybody knows it’s spelled bidness.

The Sky Is Falling! The Sky Is Falling! No, No, Wait, The Koran Book Is Falling!

September 16, 2014

Holy cow, y’all.  We had a sheriff out in west Texas just go bonkers.

Texas sheriff spoke to Fox & Friends host Elizabeth Hasselbeck this morning and warned her that members of the ISIS terrorist group, attempting to consolidate power in the Middle East, are also currently infiltrating the United States by sneaking over the border from Mexico.

259476_4_Gary Painter, a sheriff from Midland County, Texas, had a warning for the would-be terrorists, saying, if they “show their ugly head in our area, we’ll send them to hell.”

Now Sheriff Painter out in Midland, Texas, which is the county seat of Midland County, got himself on Fox News by saying that he has heard “rumors” that Isis is coming across the border in Juarez.  Of course he heard that rumor — on Fox News.

Midland County is 300 miles of rough road from anydamnwhere.

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Nobody lives in Midland, Texas, on purpose.  It’s where their car ran out of gas and instead of walking 300 miles, they just give up and live there.

Now how do the people who told Sheriff Painter about Isis coming across the border know that Isis is a’comin’ across the border?

We have found copies — our people along the border — have found Muslim clothing, they have found Koran books that are laying on the side of the trail. So we know that there are Muslims that have come across, that have been smuggled into the United States.

Muslim clothes?  Anything that is not a poncho?

Koran books?  You know, as opposed to the Koran tablecloth or the infamous Koran shopping cart.

Sheriff Painter is pretty damn sure that all Muslims are card carrying members of Isis and that they drop Koran books like Hansel and Gretel and that they shed their clothing on the Mecca to, as Elizabeth Hasslebeck so intellectually puts it, “drown us in our own blood?”

And not to be outdone by Hasselbeck, Sheriff Painter adds what he’d do if he could …

“I think the United States needs to get busy and they need to bomb ‘em. They need to take ‘em out. I would like for them to hit them so hard and so often that every time they hear a propeller on a plane or a jet aircraft engine, that they urinate down both legs.”

Both legs?  Really, sheriff?  You haven’t had an erection in a long time, have you?

Anybody know when was the last time we used propeller airplanes to bomb?

So here’s the whole mess live in living color on the electric teevee set.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Fun With Guns: Touchdown! Edition

September 15, 2014

Wichita knows the importance of football.

UnknownPolice are still looking for the men who they said threatened a youth football league coach with a gun and then began beating him after a dispute over playing time. The coach’s wife pulled out a gun and fired it in the air to scare the men away.

You might want to go read the whole story because it was a redneckapoolza.  Brass knuckles, women hollering, guns flashing, hair pulling — things you generally only find at a redneck wedding.

The Most Righteous Church of Justified Ignorance in Texas Committee

September 15, 2014

In Texas, we caught a great idea.  Let the Texas Board of Education appoint 140 people to textbook approval committees but only let three of them be current faculty members at Texas colleges and universities.

TFN has identified more than a dozen other Texas academics — including the chair of the History Department at Southern Methodist University as well as faculty at the University of Texas at Austin — who applied to serve but did not get appointments to the panels.

But the TFN analysis found that political activists and individuals without social studies degrees or teaching experience got places on the panels. One reviewer, Mark Keough, a Republican nominee for the Texas House District 15 seat, got an appointment to a U.S. History panel after being nominated by SBOE chair Barbara Cargill. Keough, a pastor with degrees in theology, has no teaching experience listed on his application form. Keough recently retired from a career in car sales to run a ministry in Cargill’s hometown of The Woodlands and to run for office.

Yep.  Pass up an SMU professor for a used car salesman.  Them used car salesman, they know stuff.  Plus, he’s read the Bible, the only textbook you’ll ever need.

Not shocking, a group of academics studied the textbooks written by by the Committee of Perpetual Ignorance and found a boatload of mistakes.

Here’s one —

Text mentions Moses and claims that the “biblical idea of a covenant, an ancient Jewish term meaning a special kind of agreement between the people and God, influenced the formation of colonial governments and contributed to our constitutional structure.”

Well, I’ll be John Locke’s monkey’s uncle.  The opposite is true.

imagesThey are real big on Moses and the Ten Commandments being the basis of all our laws.  Yeah, and that’s why not honoring your parents is a felony offense.  And that saying Good Lord will cost me a fine.  I also need to mention that we could pretty much empty the House of Representatives if adultery laws were properly enforced.  Does anybody know how many states have coveting laws?

Of course “thou shalt not bear false witness” is only against the law if you’re under oath, not producing a teevee ad for your reelection.

And, the Second Amendment and the NRA pretty much try to undo Thou Shalt Not Kill.

So we’re left with not stealing.  Oh hell, that only counts if you’re poor.  If you’re stealing banks accounts, mortgages, and the stock market you’re exempt.

Moses plan didn’t work out too well with the Founding Fathers.

They need to put me and slingshot on that committee.

Thanks to Tina for the heads up.