You’re A Bitch, Girl and You’ve Gone Too Far…

November 23, 2014

by John A. Kwitkoski

A few days ago, Michele Bachmann (Idiot-Minn.), enlightened us all with her views on immigration. “The social cost will be profound on the U.S. taxpayer — millions of unskilled, illiterate, foreign nationals coming into the United States who can’t speak the English language.”

Michelle_DeportMoi?Thank you, Michele. You just insulted my maternal grandparents. They came here as Polish immigrants, worked hard all of their lives, saved their money, purchased and owned a home, raised seven children, one of whom died defending this nation in World War II, paid taxes and voted, and left this earth speaking little if any English.

Were they “illiterate”? In the English language probably. But they could speak, read and write their native language very well. And they spoke easily with all of their children — in Polish. My grandfather, lean and wiry, woke up every day with a dozen things to do and my grandmother, round and warm, was the queen of their kitchen and sweetness itself.

I cannot express adequately my disappointment to know that someone as profoundly ignorant of American history as you could ever have been a member of Congress.

Did you know the western end of the first intercontinental railway in the U.S. was built by gangs of Chinese immigrants, many of whom could not speak English? Did you know that non-English speaking immigrants from Poland, Italy, France, Germany and other European countries built a host of public and private infrastructure that catapulted this nation to financial primacy in the world?

If you could find the time and summon the nerve, you would discover tens of thousands of names of “foreign nationals” are on the U.S. military death lists from World War II. They gave their lives to protect a country they had come to love. And unless you can claim Native American ancestry, your family were “foreign nationals” at one time and might not have been well-versed in English as well!

Try as you might to retreat from your latest brain-vomit, we both know this was veiled propaganda against Latinos. Well just to update you, I visit a nearby shopping center from time to time. In it there is a shop front that offers English classes to Latinos once or twice a week. On those nights the parking lot in front is full up. A strange thing for those “unskilled, illiterate” people to be doing, don’t you think?

Oh, and by the way, the next time you shop for vegetables at the market, you might remember that those “foreign nationals” were probably the ones who picked them. And cleaned your hotel room. In fact, one of them is Cesar Millan who has become quite successful teaching Americans about their dogs. Ever hear of the “Dog Whisperer”? You really do have to get your head out of your butt more often.

I don’t like you, Michele. In fact, I could safely say it has blossomed to full-blown hate. Pray to whatever God you know that our paths never cross because if they do I will bitch-slap you so hard it will take a month of Sundays for you to find your face. I now know that the only real solution to immigration in this country is to keep them and deport people like you.

Go Granny Go!

November 22, 2014

By Fenway Fran

Ida Stanley, 83, has had enough. Time to get out of the rocker and DO SOMETHING. Armed with plastic Batman handcuffs, she set out to make a citizen’s arrest of Texas Senator Ted Cruz by staking out his Washington DC residence. citing Crimes Against Sanity,

“You have the right to remain silent…and wouldn’t that be nice for a change,” she shouted as up to six of Cruz’s security detail took her down. Ida even informed him of his right to an attorney, and that one would be provided if he couldn’t afford it, but ”that $1.3 million you got from Comcast to neuter the internet should cover those costs easily”.

Ida’s feistiness rivals Betty White’s, so with respect for Momma, you should go to the link.

Fortunately, she will not be charged with domestic terrorism or endangering a public official and was released to the custody of her grandchildren. Cruz got a 500 ft restraining order. Comcast is reported to have cut off her cable and internet.

(Satire alert: Our neighbors to the north continue to have fun with our political insanity, and are counting their lucky stars that Cruz emigrated.)

From John

November 21, 2014


How to Talk to Uncle Dale Next Thursday

November 21, 2014

by DaChipster

Part of the extended Hachecristo family includes my aunt, Maria de la Cruz. Tia Maria married Juan Flores, making them Maria y Juan Flores, so my older cousins inevitably nicknamed him Tio “Bud.” We used to think that Tio Bud owned the Evanston Ice Palace, because a couple, two, three times a year, we’d show up there late at night, nine of us in two cars, and he’d let us in to skate for free.

Turns out he was the Zamboni driver.

One night, he disappeared after work. Uncle Jimmy Barstool came closest to reality when he predicted they’d find him in long term parking at O’Hare, in the spring, when the fruits of the Outfit’s winter wet work begin to “ripen” in the trunks of cars. Actually, he’d finished his shift, and had sat down on a curb stop in a corner of the lot to enjoy a beer and a bowl of his namesake, when his relief dumped the entire contents of a Zamboni on him, extinguishing Bud and his Bud and his bud.

Shortly thereafter, the great Blizzard of ’79 further covered him, and nobody saw Tio Potsicle again until about the time that the late, great Mayor Jane Byrne (who died last week, rest in peace) was elected in April. Tia Maria remained a widow for many years, until late in the 90s she remarried to Dale Dane, a Lutheran Wisconsin Republican. Yes, she married outside her Faith, State and other Faith.

Dale didn’t want a nickname, or to be called “Tio.” He even turned a whiter shade of Dale if any of us called him “Uncle” in public. And now our family gatherings felt more like meetings of the Kenosha John Birch Society.   This is how I learned how to talk to the Fox Uncle at Thanksgiving. And I’m going to give you a few tips on how to do that yourself, this Thanksgiving.


Uncle Dale grudgingly admits that whatever immigration led to the Hachecristo invasion of America between the wars was okay because, in the end, he still has to live with my aunt. But he sees doom for America (read “the old, white, male hegemony”) in anything new. For this reason, he is absolutely certain that President Obama has committed an impeachable offense by deferring deportation proceedings against family members of people who are already citizens (i.e. BORN here) or for families of other children already under deferred deportation. It’s gonna bring more Ebola, more ISIS, and more of whatever the Mongered-Fear-of-the-Week is. (Illegal Aliens Enlist in the War on Christmas!)

Tell your Uncle Dale this:

  • This is well within the powers of the Presidency on immigration, as granted by Congress in previous laws. If Congress wants to act, fine. But if not, the President is so empowered.   Following the law is NOT an impeachable offense, even for a Democrat
  • Unlike Reagan, this action does not grant ANYONE citizenship, or the right to vote. It DOES, however, ensure more current Mexican-American citizens will vote Dem. 
  • Just like the executive action of Bush I, this DOES grant deferred deportation status to family members in the face of Congressional inability to fix a previously heartless law.
  • Just about everyone who will benefit from this arrived  BEFORE the Obama term of office, and we are now in net NEGATIVE numbers (deporting more than arrive) for the first time in 40 years.
  • Unlike Clinton and the Cubans, this does not grant residency and a path to citizenship.

In fact, the Congress, by NOT granting to all immigrants the same special status as Cubans enjoy (can you hear me NOW, Ted Cruz?) is itself in violation of Article I Section 8 of the United States Constitution which enjoins them to ”establish a uniform rule of naturalization.”

And chew on THAT with your pumpkin pie and Cool Whip, Uncle Dale.

Friday Toons

November 21, 2014







Clay Bennett editorial cartoon.





Clay Bennett editorial cartoon







Great Idea, Mo! And You Can Bring Larry and Curly With You.

November 20, 2014

Republican Representative Mo Brooks of Aladamnbama would like to show you a list of things he doesn’t know.

Screen Shot 2014-11-20 at 7.30.17 PMBrooks said there is a federal statute (“I don’t have the citation for it at the tip of my tongue”) making it a felony to aid, abet, or entice a foreigner to illegally enter the U.S.

“At some point, you have to evaluate whether the president’s conduct aids or abets, encourages, or entices foreigners to unlawfully cross into the United States of America,” he continued. “That has a five-year in-jail penalty associated with it.”

Brooks isn’t sure on what grounds impeachment proceedings might be justified because he hasn’t seen the outlines of the president’s actions yet.

I’m willing to bet there’s a whole mess of other things that Mo Brooks doesn’t know.

And he wants to send President Obama to jail for five years.  He thinks it’s five.  It may be seven or three.