Oh, So THAT’S How People Get Pregnant!

April 21, 2014

Lauren Ashburn works for Fox News but only because Satan wasn’t hiring that week.

She has decided that Chelsea Clinton’s pregnancy was planned by Hillary Clinton so that Hillary wouldn’t appear too old to be President.

laurenYeah, she thinks being a grandmother makes you younger.

And then to add fun to the whaaaaaat? mix, she added …

“I think a lot of reporters think maybe this was planned.”

Okay, but then the Fox News panelists decided that the mainstream media was going to make Chelsea’s child the “royal baby.”  So maybe it wasn’t “a lot” of reporters?

Yes, I am certain that Chelsea’s pregnancy was planned.  By Chelsea and her husband.  Why should they have to wait from 2014 to 2017 to have a baby?

So, if you see any classified ads for Assistant Satan, please let Lauren Ashburn know.

Cause Jesus Needs Money

April 21, 2014

Well, if Duck Dynasty can’t sell tickets in Springfield, Missouri, things must be hurting.

JTK Productions said Thursday it cancelled the planned appearance of members of the hit A&E show “Duck Dynasty” due to “unforeseen circumstances.” It turns out the reason is a low number of ticket sales.

Yep, it was gonna be called Faith, Family, and Ducks.  I guess homophobic and racist didn’t fit on the marque.

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Yeah, babe, those boys are for families, as long as it’s their family.

Tickets were $37, $50 or $58 to listen to these boys talk about their “family values and modest lifestyle.”  The arena sits 11,000.  Even if we average the tickets at $45 each, that real close to half a million dollars.  I can be modest for half a million dollars.  Hell, Thelma says she’ll give up her leopard leotards for half a million dollars.

Hell, Honey, For $1.98 I Could Tell You That He Belongs On Fox News

April 21, 2014

Get a load of this headline:

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 You know, they did not have to waste money on a psychologist.  I can only make it about half way through his shows before I start covering my ears and yelling, “You know he’s lying to you.  Say something, you fool!”

Honey, it takes more than Anderson Cooper hair to make a journalist.  I say we go back to being Meet the Press, not Meet Tim Russert or Meet David Gregory.

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I’d even be willing to let Fox News come on there, just so long it’s balanced with Rachel Maddow.

But what I’d really like to see is Meet the Press with Elizabeth Warren and some damn bankers.

 

Ducky Pajama Boy

April 20, 2014

Blake Farenthold, the congressvarmint from Corpus Christi, is perseverating on Fast and Furious.  He says that Attorney General Eric Holder is in contempt of Congress and that’s probably true because I m damn near certain that Eric Holder holds congress in contempt.

Farenthold’s fix?  Withhold Holder’s salary.

Oh dude, that’s funny.  Holder has had a long distinguished private legal practice where he even represented the National Football League.  Holy cow, dude, Eric Holder could buy Corpus Christi if he wanted you.

Farenthold goes on Fox News and says that withholding Holders salary.

Screen Shot 2014-04-20 at 12.32.38 PMWe’ve got the power of the purse in Congress. Why don’t we pass something that says if you’re in contempt of Congress, we don’t pay you?” Farenthold said ‘On the Record’ with Greta Van Susteren.

Farenthold added that it could be another way to get the attorney general to come forward with the Fast and Furious documents that Congress has been requesting for years, although, he said…

Oh yeah, that’ll work.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Fun With Gun: Canine Karma Edition

April 20, 2014

The cop’s story is that he was trying to serve papers on someone and a dog came at him in a aggressive manner.  He pulled his service weapon and fired a shot at the dog to protect himself.

Eyewitnesses’ story is the dog was playing with children in a fenced yard.

The Emergency Medical Technician’s story is that the cop accidentally shot himself in the leg.

The dog’s story is, “I thought the dude was Michael Vick so I shot him.”

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

Who Opened the Door to the Crazy Barn?

April 20, 2014

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott says school employees can turn public schools into the OK Corral.

armed-teachers-colorado-665x385Texas school districts that designate employees to carry handguns do not violate state laws banning concealed firearms at sporting events or during school board meetings, Attorney General Greg Abbott said in an opinion released Friday.

Abbott says this law would be helpful to small school districts who cannot afford to hire a full time security guard.  Yeah, Skippy, but it will also be used by big ole districts to make a mess of things.

This law would also allowed school board members to be armed.  People who say that the best government is the government closest to the people have never been to a school board meeting.  There’s some crazy people on school boards.

Abbott says district employees can carry weapons to sporting events, too, which should completely eliminate the need for instant replay.

Not everybody who qualifies for a CHL is a sharpshooter.  I know a guy with a CHL who could not hit the side of a barn even if he was inside the barn.  The last damn thing we need in school is bullets flying like mosquitoes in July with nobody knowing who the good guys are.

Good Lord, when did the NRA rent out Texas?

Thanks to Marge for the heads up.