Fun With Ceramic Squirrels: Sounds Squirrelly to Me Edition

December 28, 2013 By: Juanita Jean Category: Uncategorized

South Carolina women apparently take their Christmas Eve beer very seriously.

Screen Shot 2013-12-28 at 10.49.13 AMA South Carolina woman was held on a domestic abuse charge for allegedly stabbing her common-law husband with a decorative ceramic squirrel when he came home late on Christmas Eve without any beer.

Now you are probably asking yourself, “Where does one purchase a “decorative ceramic squirrel?”  Well, you would be amazed.  Truly amazed.

It’s called “Chris’s Squirrels and More:  Your One Stop Shop for All Your Rehab Needs.”   Do not be using that slogan in your personal endeavors because that sucker is rightly trademarked.

I looked over this site as much as my trembling hands would allow and I think, but am in no way certain, that Chris means rehabbing wildlife, not rehab for South Carolina women and their beer needs.  Which is kinda a shame if you think about it.

Anyway, back to the South Carolina story …

The man fled to a neighbor’s home to call 911, and when officers arrived shortly after midnight — on Christmas Day by now — they found him covered in blood with cuts on his shoulder and face, according to the report. When he took off his shirt, they found a big gash in his chest, it said.

Initially, Williams tried to persuade police that her husband fell, but officers were skeptical because she also had blood on her hands and clothes, the report said.

Damn.  I thought the lack of beer was a dead giveaway.

Thanks to everybody for the heads up.

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23 Comments to “Fun With Ceramic Squirrels: Sounds Squirrelly to Me Edition”

  1. Squirrel Totem Jeweled Garden

    “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken

  2. I expect Mary would have done the same with Joseph had he failed to deliver the daily beer.

  3. How’d the lady manage to do that much damage with a ceramic squirrel? A couple bruises I’d understand, but blood?

  4. First of all, before we jump to conclusions, has anyone considered that the beer might have been for Santa? Everyone else leaves out milk & cookies, maybe the squirrel stabber thought Santa might appreciate something different, a six pack and beer nuts. And it was getting close to midnight, so she was probably upset that they might miss leaving a treat for him.

    Second, Chris’s Squirrels – what a selection! You’ve got to regain your sense of wonder looking at it all. (as in, “I wonder why anyone…”)

  5. I wonder why, given the area and circumstances, there was no gun involved.
    If we have to start registering ceramic squirrels now, we’re in big trouble. What’s next? Dashboard hula dancers, bronzed baby shoes, Hummel figurines, the ubiquitous ash tray?

  6. Well, I know I’D rather have beer and nuts at midnight instead of milk and cookies, but you take what you get.

  7. Marion (formerly known as MM) says:

    RepubAnon @2. Hah. Hah. I ‘spect so.

    Marge@3, I’m guessing she broke it first to get sharp edges. Don’t ask how I know.

  8. I’m waiting for Sarah Palin to stand up for this woman’s right to bear ceramic kitsch.

  9. Here’s how I see it: she threw a ceramic squirrel at him but dammit he ducked so she took the fractured remains and went at him swinging. Must be hell having the DTs on Christmas Eve and having the grab the first thing thats handy to exorcise your demons. Good thing she didn’t have any buffalo horn hat racks or whatever you can make out of buffalo horns. Those things are downright lethal in a New York minute. The ones in grandpa’s house were always glued or nailed down. The only thing we could do was either hang a hat on them or just look at them.

  10. I’m just so happy you shared the squirrel decor link! My sister is known as the Squirrel Killer as the little guys just seem to run out in front of her car often! I see several birthday gift options in her future. (She always feels terrible when it happens, which unfortunately for her and the squirrel, it happens fairly often.)

  11. Corinne Sabo says:

    How do you cut somebody with a ceramic squirrel? Use the tail?

  12. Some of the ceramic squirrels at that link do have kinda pointy bits, but I think what this lady really needs from there is the sign that says “Welcome to the Nut House.”

    Seems unfair that she wouldn’t listen to reason– the poor guy said the beer stores were closed for Christmas Eve. Another religion-related attack on life and limb.

  13. Marge Wood says:

    Ah. I shoulda guessed. (That’s for everyone.)

  14. 1toughlady says:

    I don’t know, I think there’s something squirrelly about this news report…grin.

  15. John Peter Henson says:

    There probably an assault squirrel section in that catalog. You just need the secret code to view them…..

  16. you all are so brilliantly funny!

  17. e platypus onion says:

    USA Today reports extensive investigation by the NYTimes reveals no al-Qaeda link to Benghazi and cites anti-Muslim movie as a major cause of attack.

  18. Ranger Jay says:

    I’m not making excuses for her, but seriously, if you are stuck in S.C. on Xmas eve without beer, things are bound to take a nasty turn.

    Thoughtless bastard…

  19. I (thought I) had a squirrel joke to share, but the more I wrote the nastier it go. I’m going nuts.. I got nothing.

  20. Tree rats, that’s what skwerlz are.

    Michelle, your sister is doing a public service carterminating those arboreal vermin. I used to swerve to miss them, until I moved into a house that they had decided to “go condo” in. I trapped and killed 8 of those flea-bitten, lice ridden, disease vectors. They’re unbelievably destructive when they get into the eaves or behind the soffits, they just tunnel through anything that’s wood.

    So, now I don’t swerve to miss ‘em, I swerve to GET them and my ranger has pretty good ground clearance so’s I can get up over a pretty steep curb if necessary!

    Ceramic skwerlz I have no issue with.

  21. I am a 64 yo Yellow Dog Democrat, and I have applied for Obamacare 19 times, to no avail. ACA 1st said I had big subsidy, but NOW sez no subsidy…on my $1250 ss pension!! (Kaiser Foundation agrees, to the penny, w/1st ACA determination, but not possible to alter ACA info.)

    I realize the GOP’s intent was to scuttle ACA, and it looks like they won.

    Why ain’t you talking about the most relevant issue to Texans like me?????????????? Really, we all know FAUX News is bogus, so get to the nut-cuttin’ girl!!!

  22. Awaiting moderation? Should I have said ‘testicle-cuttin’?


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