Where Are We Going and Why Are We in This Handbasket?

April 25, 2012 By: Juanita Jean Category: Uncategorized

It’s official. We’ve finally, at long last, driven the Super DeLux Brand Christians totally wacko.

I hope you’ve done your part. It appears that Mitt Romney has.

– Bill Keller, the world’s leading Internet Evangelist and the founder of LivePrayer.com, with over 2.4 million subscribers worldwide reading the daily devotional he has written every morning for 13 years on the issues of the day from a Biblical worldview, states that a vote for Mormon cult member Mitt Romney will insure at least 1 million souls will end up in hell!!!

Notice he says “at least.” That means there could be more. It could mean you. Worse yet, it could mean me.

Notice he doesn’t say only the people who actually vote for Romney will go to hell. Oh no, he could mean that if even one person votes for Romney, at least a million people will go to hell. Good Lord, do the math. If Romney gets 100 votes, hefty parts of Nebraska, Ohio, Georgia, and Del Rio, Texas, will go to hell. On a cracker. In fact, especially the cracker thing.

And we’re doomed, doomed I tell you, because Pastor Keller ain’t real fond of President Obama either.

Keller, who has never told anyone who to or not to vote for and never endorses any political candidate said, “Christians have a real dilemma this November. It is like Satan flipping a two-headed coin with his head on both sides.”

Cool, huh? I didn’t even know that Satan had a coin, much less could flip one what with those cloven hoofs and all.

I’m pretty darn pleased with the job we’ve done with the steeple people, y’all.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads up.

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21 Comments to “Where Are We Going and Why Are We in This Handbasket?”

  1. Marge Wood says:

    Miss Juanita Jean, I am here to say for all of us who love to laugh at you a couple or three times a day want to officially thank you and present you with your own key to, er, wherever you want a key to just on general principles for keeping us curious and laughing. So there. And I hate to break it to Brother Bill but I generally make up my own prayers as I go. I hope he don’t get too bent out of shape.

  2. I wasn’t aware that anybody had to drive the Super Delux Brand Christians totally wacko. They seem to have done an excellent job all by their ownselves quite some time ago. And I don’t know what the heck book they’re reading but it’s not the Bible.

  3. fenway fran says:

    I think maybe the Steeple People did it to themselves…we’re all Chancey Gardeners, here…we love to watch!

  4. I don’t believe in Hell, but it sounds as though about 2.4 million subscribers belong in an asylum somewhere.

  5. Good Lord, did not think they could get any crazier.
    But think about it. A choice between a black man and a non christian, cult member?

    It will be a difficult choice for them in Nov., bet lots of evangelicals decide not to vote?
    They may decide that POTUS is finally ‘christian’ enough for them.

  6. Oh, the schadenfreude is just so very tasty this morning. :)

  7. Okiegirl says:

    Those Super Delux Brand Christians need to read the Bible, like say, Matthew 6:5-6. Those tee vee preachers set my hair on fire!

  8. I wonder if Bachman and Santoran are among his devoted readers. It could explain their spectacular double speak trying to support the party but being unable to actually say they endorse or approve of Romney, especially as a trueconservative.

    All I can say on this hate- or fear-mongering Evangelist…well ain’t he special and bless his heart.

  9. Ralph Wiggam says:

    The good news from that article:

    “…God has finally taken His hand of protection and blessing off of this nation for our gross sins and wickedness.”

    So maybe these nutjobs will go find a country that their god will protect. Maybe they will catch a ride on the next comet to pass by, or move to Jonestown, Guyana.

  10. @Ralph

    When I read that line, I immediately thought “Westboro.”

    I like your suggestions though, I’m sure I could find some wonderful swampland to help isolate…I mean provide a wonderful totally bible-christian centric community at. Oooh, oooh, perhaps desert, so they can be more aligned to the environment of the Bible’s settings.

  11. Uncle Dave says:

    Hell has to be full of Republicans, right? Otherwise, what would make it hell?* So, if a vote for Romney sends you to hell, claim your an illegal alien, and maybe the Republicans will get you expelled.

    *Supposedly a Texas congressman once said all Texas needed was more water and the right kind of people, evoking the response, “That is all hell needs.”

  12. I just learned that Marco Rubio was baptised and raised a Mormon, too. So if Rubio is Romney’s Veep, does that mean a vote for Romney/Rubio means 2 million souls go to hell?

  13. daChipster says:

    Keller spent two-and-a-half years as an honored guest of my Uncle Sam for insider stock trading. Whilst enjoying the hospitality of the Federal Bureau of Prisons, he got himself a mail-order Minister’s Badge and God Decoder Ring and has been peddling insider information from Upstairs ever since he got out.

    Since the SEC, DOJ, DHS, FBI, ATF and a host of other three-lettered federal acronyms have no jurisdiction over God, and since the convicted felon has since confined his activities to bilking the gullible widow of her mite rather than the cynical well-heeled of his Cayman cash, he remains a free man to this day.

    Here is a direct quote from the FIRST paragraph of today’s “daily devotional,” you know, the thing that’s SUPPOSED to be a prayer? Well, not so much:

    “***APRIL FINANCIAL UPDATE: As we head into the last 5 days of April, we still need to cover the last $33,000 of our basic operations for April. $5,000 of that is past due and I am praying for one person who can make a special gift to help cover that amount today. Please take a moment and pray about how God is calling you to help me this month…”

    I’m betting Bill’s paycheck is not “past due.” The political screed follows, including a gratuitous beotch-slap of rival Joel Osteen, Houston’s own.

    I believe you can bleach a leopard (though I wouldn’t try, I’ll leave THAT to the professionals at TWMDBS) but this guy’s spots are bone-deep, nay, soul-deep; ineradicable even by total immersion in a Jordan of peroxide.

  14. Lorraine in Spring says:

    Ralph & Star, may I suggest Somalia. That libertarian paradise with no laws and no government to interfere with greedy capitalism.

    The steeple people can have it all. I would just suggest they bring their own guns. Alot of them. They’ll need them.

  15. One interesting point that I’ve yet to see brought up. Does the radical right actually prefer an incumbent Romney in 2016 over a termed-out Obama?

  16. Lorinda Pike says:

    I love fenway fran’s term “steeple people”… and it could be further embellished as “sheeple steeple people”.

    How this crap gets followers is beyond me, and I live in the thick of it.

    As for the Somalia suggestion:

    “Try Somalia, all you followers
    That’s where you’ll really have fun
    They have no government, no one pays taxes
    And everyone owns a gun!”

    (BTW, hi…I’m new here…)

  17. Lorraine in Spring says:

    LOL Lorinda, I plan to share that, if it’s ok with with you.

  18. Lorinda Pike says:

    If you mean the Somalia doggerel, sure, have at it. I wrote it; I can give it to whomever I want! :-)

  19. At last a real reason to vote for Romney!

  20. TexasEllen says:

    It might be fun to see if his pomposity would consider mounting (oh, dear!) a Santorum third party candidacy. That would teach the Republicans to leave the selection of their nominee to actual voters in the Republican primaries.

  21. Looney Jerk says:

    Insert nut job comment here _____________
    Go 285! :)