Archive for January, 2010

Debra Medina Just Down the Road

January 31, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Category: Goat Rodeos

This has been an odd political season.  The only Republican yard signs in the whole county are those for the three folks running for DA.  (A race we’ll have some dandy fun with later, Juanita promises.  Richard Raymond now has pushcards you need to see.)

We have not seen even one sign in the Republican Governor’s race, a battle royale between Kay Bailey Hutchison (Read:  Dick Cheney) and Rick Perry (read: Sarah Palin).

“Now, this ain’t my first rodeo,” Juanita assures us, “so I understand the main purpose of yardsigns is name ID.  But, generally, it also shows support among the natives, so plenty of them are planted around here come election time.  However, if you were to drive around Republican neighborhoods in Fort Bend County you wouldn’t even know there’s an election going on in the Governor’s race.”

But, it happened today.  Debra Media, a semi-Libertarian,  is going to ensure there’s a run-off in the Republican Governor’s race and she’s putting up signs to bet on it.

Medina has some signs up by Frank’s Nursery on 359 — Hi Frank!

Her campaign slogan appears to be “We Texans.”  Even Juanita doesn’t know what that means.  “Maybe it’s something like, ‘Me, Kemosabe,’ or ‘Me, Tarzan.  You, Debra,’ or something,” she ventures.  Of course, it means there has to be something somewhere that classifies as “Those Texans.”

Thelma thinks she’s hinting at secession.  Could be.

Would You Like Sugar or Lemon with That?

January 31, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Category: Steeple People

You know, the reason the Tea Parties always end up in a brawl is that these folks are as mad a bull in a red dye factory.  They don’t like anybody.  Nobody.  Not even each other. They are gonna fight and since we’ve been ignoring them, they only have each other to slap around.

Josh Marshall, over at the Famous TPM, has been almost gleefully watching the Tea Party convention, scheduled next month in Nashville, come unraveled.

Buck Pocheck is going and wanted Juanita to go with him for educational purposes.  She considered it for a few seconds and then decided that a whole bunch of hacked-off white people, Nashville, and Sarah Palin was pretty much the trifecta of things she didn’t want to do.

“I will go to Memphis,” she offered.  “Hon, until the prove scientifically that bean dip dumb isn’t contagious, Memphis is about as close as I’ll get.”

“I’ve seen those people,” she said,  “It looks to me like they had a fit and fell into it.  So, if they want to beat up on each other, they have my permission.  I’ll watch from afar, and wave at them every now and then to fan the flames.”

Rules, Fools, and Tools

January 31, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Category: Here's the Deal

Okay, so here’s the deal. Juanita knows that she’s very, very good at two things: (1) fixin’ hair, and (2) hackin’ off creepy people.

There are rules for posting at this website. They are listed in clear view and have earned the Good Beauty Salonkeeping Seal of Approval, evidenced by their own special button at the top of this page. One of those rules is that you cannot liable people. Not here. Not now.

“I am perfectly willing to get sued for saying what I want to say. However, I am not willing to get sued for what you want to say,” Juanita explains very slowly for those with understanding disabilities.

So, when Juanita hacked off some obviously unattractive people, one of them anonymously posted all over this website, beginning with this erudite comment about Juanita’s grooming habits by actually typing these words —

Yeah, you had better treat Miss Fabulous nice — it is unlikely that anyone else is interested in getting close enough to her to do so.

“Honey, Honey, Honey,” Juanita begins as she kicks off her cute little pink and black pumps and pours herself a little vino at the end of the day before she relaxes on her fainting couch to watch the news, “that statement is libelous in 14 states and  Czechoslovakia.  Look it up.”

Juanita would like for me to warn folks.  You get one shot at her.  Only one.  After that, she puts you on the “Socially Inept Goofy Guy” list and all your future comments go directly to the trash bin and nobody even sees them.

“So,” she winks, “you’re gonna have to do better than that with your one shot.”

Sending Jeb to The Time-Out Chair

January 30, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Category: Goat Rodeos

Juanita has noticed that the number of nasty tacky comments submitted to this not-a-blog from anonymous Republicans has tripled since President Barack Obama spanked some little Republican boy hiney at the GOP retreat.

“They are ouching with outrage,” she smiles.  “And, to my great joy, the local ones come take it out on me.”

“I fess up that I enjoyed the Republican congressional boys wanting to make their questioning of the President of the United States public on the television set only because they hoped that by ganging up on him, they could embarrass him,” she smiles.

“There’s an old honky tonk boast in Texas.  When some drunk cowboy was feeling his oats,” Juanita continues, “he’d ask for a fight by saying, ‘the big ones can line up and the little ones can gang up’.”

“Well, the little ones ganged up, but they still couldn’t whoop our cowboy.  It was his finest hour, and will go down in history as the minute it became dandy clear who the adults are. ”

“He made them look petty, like Rush Limbaugh’s hand was up their skirts making them talk like Miss Piggy,” she laughs at her own visual.

Juanita suspects the diamond centerpiece of the event was when President Obama sent Texas’ Little Jeb Hensarling to the time out chair.  She has it on her iPhone and charges customers a quarter to watch it.  So far, she’s raised enough to buy some new boots.

Jeb Hensarling in the time-out chair:

Please don’t tell Juanita’s customers that I’ve posted the video here.  Juanita is enjoying the sound of boot money in the quarter jar.

Pinned to the Front Door

January 29, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Category: Sumbitches

When I arrived at the beauty shop this afternoon, this was taped to the front door.

It has Juanita’s fingerprints all over it.

Shaking Out The Dumb

January 28, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Category: Uncategorized

Juanita watched the President’s State of the Union speech last night.  You know, the one George Bush couldn’t remember the name of.  Gosh, it’s nice to have someone who speaks English in the White House.

Anyway, she was perfectly dead solid proud of the President for calling out the five members of the Supreme Court for giving our country away to corporations, and foreign ones at that.

So, all over the electric computer machine this morning, they are showing Bobble Head Alito shaking his head.  Juanita says he was shaking the dumb out, but I kinda doubt that.  He also was mumbling something.  We will give extra points to whoever can figure out what he was mumbling —-

And don’t even get me started on goofy Mitch McConnell sitting there giggling like a Kentucky polecat while this country is facing serious problems.  Has he been drug tested lately?  I’m serous, don’t get me started.  And sure don’t get Juanita started because Mitch McConnell makes her skin crawl right out the backdoor.

So, if you know what Alito was mumbling, let us know!